OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
