I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
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We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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