I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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