Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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