i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
