Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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