i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
