At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
