My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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