Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
