the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
