Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
