Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
