I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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