saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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