Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
