I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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