Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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