its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
