im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
