I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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