I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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