Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
