I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
