He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
