Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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