I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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