broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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