So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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