I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
