i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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