Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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