Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
