i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
