I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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