We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
