Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
