my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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