Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
