my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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