ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
