Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
