I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
cat food counts as protein by the way
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
