The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
