I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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