I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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