Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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