ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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