I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
sarcasm needs its own font
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
