You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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