Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
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I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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