I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
