Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
