dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
