I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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